Bering & Wells
by CallaEve
Summary: A collection of unfinished Bering & Wells stories that I suddenly feel the need to share, and maybe complete.
1. A Future She Didn't Know She Wanted

**Author's Note: This story came to be after I watched an interview of Joanne Kelly and she said how she didn't think Myka would want children. It was then that I thought about the prompt of what if Myka didn't know she wanted children until she couldn't have them. **

* * *

Helena stands in the doorway of the library taking in the sight before her. On the window seat sits Myka as beautiful as ever, the only light is coming from the full moon outside. It bathes her fair skin making is seem as though she glows. She has her knees pulled up to her chest making her look small and frail. The sight pulls at Helena's heart.

Helena walks into the library towards her love. She gently sits down beside her. Myka doesn't move, doesn't even acknowledge Helena's presence even though Helena is aware Myka knows she is there.

If Helena thought Myka was beautiful from afar the sight up close takes her breath away. She studies the woman who stares up at the night sky. Her eyes shine with unshed tears which show the reflection of the moon.

"Penny for your thoughts, darling?" Helena speaks softly, her voice merely a whisper. For a while Myka doesn't reply. Helena waits, allowing the woman to sort through the jumble of words, thoughts and feelings that are currently occupying her mind. Finally the younger woman sighs.

"You know, I never wanted children." She says her voice thick with emotion but she doesn't try to clear it. She knows it's useless, she knows she won't be able too. She looks at Helena who is looking at her with nothing but love, concern and even a bit of understanding. Myka sighs again and her brow furrows as she tries to sort through her thoughts again.

"No. It's not that I never wanted children. It just never seemed like the right fit. Work was always, my number one priority and a child never fit into that. I never considered it, I never thought about it. Much to my mother's dismay." She says as her lips tug into a small smile.

"Yet now, now that I am faced with the reality that I will never have a child I realize how much I want it, Helena. I want it so bad." She says looking at Helena, a few tears manage to wrestle free and fall silently in perfect little drops down her cheeks. Helena gently wipes them away with her thumbs, but says nothing. Allowing Myka to think, to feel.

"I feel like I am grieving, like I just lost my child." Myka stops, her eyes go wide and she tries to pull away from Helena. Helena holds her tight, knowing what Myka is thinking. Helena hushes her and puts a finger gently to her lips to stop the apology she knows is on the tip of Myka's tongue.

"It's okay, darling." Helena soothes. "You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, I lost my child. My Christina. Yet you, Myka. You have helped me heal. Now you have lost something and I will help you heal. Pain is pain, darling. This loss you are feeling is no different then my own. You will get through this, Myka. I promise I am here, I am not going anywhere."

Helena pulls Myka close, as the younger woman finally lets the tears fall. Myka cries for a child she will never have, for a future she didn't know she wanted and she cries for Helena, for Helena's loss and understanding, for her love and her promise. All the pent of emotions rush out at once in an unattractive display of grief and pain. Myka cries for her health, her anger and her fears. With Helena holding her safety in her arms, Myka finally allows herself to cry.


	2. I Promise, I'll Try

**Author's Note: Trigger. Deals with self-harm. This in an AU and although ages aren't specified while writing this I pictured Myka and Helena to be in high school. Please note that particular fic does deal with self-harm, if that in any way trigger's you, please don't read. **

* * *

Myka and Helena are reading in the library of Helena's home. Her grandfather Caturanga will be gone for the evening. They have the house to themselves.

Helena looks over a Myka who is engrossed in her book, she smiles a her friend until she notice something red on Myka's left palm.

"Myka, darling. You're bleeding." Helena says the concern evident in her voice. Myka glances down to where Helena's gaze is to see a line of blood running down her palm.

"Oh. It's nothing." She says as she pulls the sleeve of her shirt down even more. Helena sets her book aside and approaches Myka.

"It isn't nothing, Myka. Here let me see." Helena says as she makes a move to grab at Myka's arm. Myka abruptly pulls back, puts her book down, stands up and takes a few steps away from Helena.

"Don't." She says rather harshly. Myka sighs at the shocked expression on Helena's face. "I'll go deal with it." Helena just watches frozen as Myka leaves to go upstairs.

Myka heads straight for the bathroom. She opens the medicine cabinet and finds a box on band aids. She sets them on the counter and rolls up her sleeve to her elbow. The few cuts from this morning are the offending culprits that are causing the blood. Myka rinses the blood off. Just as she takes out the first band aids she hears a gasp.

She drops the box and turns around to find Helena standing in the doorway. Myka quickly rolls down her sleeve. They both just stand there staring at each other until Helena is moving, she takes a step forward which causes Myka to step back. Helena bends down and picks up the box of band aids before taking a few more steps towards Myka until Myka is backed up against the wall.

Helena grabs her right hand and silently leads her towards her room.

She sits Myka down on her bed and takes up the empty spot beside her. She grabs Myka's left hand and moves to roll up her sleeve. Myka jerks her hand away, her eyes are frantic. She is terrified.

"It's okay." Helena says softly as she gently rolls up Myka's sleeve so it's rests at her elbow once more. She stands up and walks out the door leaving Myka frozen. She comes back with a damp cloth. She gently rubs away the fresh and dry blood that has painted Myka's left arm. Then ever so gently she lays band aids on the four cuts that are bleeding. The rest have already scabbed over or have long since scarred.

Helena finds herself staring at the offending cuts on Myka's arm. That's when she notices Myka's hands are shaking. When she looks up to meet Myka's eyes she can see the tears that have gathered there.

"I'm sorry." Myka says, her voices barely a whisper. "I'm sorry."

Helena gently rolls Myka's sleeve back down. "It's okay." She tells her.

"I'm sorry." Myka repeats. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Helena tells her as she pulls Myka into a secure embrace. It's then that she feels the sobs that rack Myka's body as she continues to whisper her apology over and over.

Helena holds her tighter and whispers soothingly to her. Eventually she manages to change their positions so that Helena has her back against the head-board and Myka is curled up into her side with her head resting on Helena's chest.

Myka's sobs have subsided and only silent tears remain. Neither girl speaks. They just hold each other. Helena starts to play with the edge of the sleeve on Myka's shirt before gently pulling it up again. Myka doesn't pull away she just allows Helena to examine the horror and shame that is there.

Helena gently traces the scars that litter Myka's left arm. She runs her fingers over the band aids she just applied. The cuts there can't be more than a few hours old. Helena reckons they were done before she came over.

"Why?" Helena finds herself asking. She can feel Myka tense slightly beside her before she takes a deep shaky breath.

"I don't know." She says. Her voice is hoarse and weak. It makes her sound as small and vulnerable as she feels. "So I can feel in control about something. So I can feel the physical pain, not just the emotional. So I can get release from the emotional pain, even for just few seconds when I trade it for the physical pain. I don't know."

She has the hand on the arm that lays exposed and vulnerable in all it's shameful and scarred glory bawled into a fist. The pressure making crescent shapes in the skin on her palm. Helena gently prices her first open before smoothing out the offending shapes and replacing them with her own hand as she intertwines their fingers.

"You have to stop, darling." Helena says to her as she kisses her temple. "Please, for me."

Myka's breath hitches at the pleading sound in Helena's voice. She buries her face further into Helena's chest before nodding her head.

"I'll try." She tells her. "I promise, I'll try." Helena nods knowing that is all she can ask, and that's all Myka can give.


	3. I Come Here To Forget

**Author's Note: I always said I've never write a story about something that I don't think I can accurately portray. However, I feel like I want to share this specific story that I've written. I hope you don't judge me too harshly on my lack of knowledge. **

* * *

Wednesday's had quickly become her favourite days. It's was the only time she got even just a moment alone, where she could just stop thinking, where they would all just stop staring and she could lose herself in a book. Stacks of them covered the old library; she welcomed the smell and the quiet.

Her best friend Pete helped her over to a comfy chair in the quietest corner of the library; it had become her refuge. Pete hovered anxiously at her side while she got comfortable and propped her book on her lap.

"Pete." She said exasperatedly. "It's Wednesday, all I ask is for just one hour alone just one day a week. Please. I will be fine. I have you on speed dial if necessary. I know you want to check out that new arcade down the street. I promise I will be fine, sitting right here waiting for you when you come back and get me. In one hour."

Just when Pete looked like he was ready to protest, he let out a loud and dramatic sign. "Alright, but promise you will call if you need anything. I'm just down the street."

"I promise."

With one last anxious glance, Pete left to check out the new arcade. Myka smiled, opened her book and started to read. It had only been a few minutes when she felt as though she was being watched.

She looked up from her book to see a beautiful woman with raven black hair and dark eyes staring at her. "I'm ever so sorry." She said in a beautiful British accent. "Do you mind if I sit?" she asked pointing to the empty chair across from Myka. "This seems to be the quietest part of the library."

Myka tugged self-consciously at her straight brown hair and plain white t-shirt. She wanted to say no, she could already feel the woman watching her. She could see the intrigue in her dark eyes. It made her anxious. Did she know? Can she tell? Yet she politely nodded her head which made the woman smile brightly before she settled into her chair.

Myka found she was unable to concentrate. She kept fiddling with her hair and tugging at her shirt. It made it impossible to concentrate on her book when she was anxious about her appearance. She signed loudly, closing her book and pulling out her cell phone. She was about to text Pete to come pick her up when the woman across from her spoke.

"I'm not bothering you, am I?" she asked. Myka was surprised at the level of concern she could see on the woman's face.

"No." she replied. The woman really wasn't bothering Myka, she had every right to sit in that chair. "I just can't seem to concentrate."

The honesty in the statement seemed to surprise Myka, but only further intrigued the woman.

"I'm Helena." She said holding out her hand. Myka shifted on the seat so her legs were no longer tucked underneath her but touching the floor before she returned the hand shake. "I'm Myka."

The rest of the hour Myka found herself talking to Helena instead of reading, they had similar taste in literature. Helena was someone who matched Myka's own intelligence and she found herself in a heated but friendly debate with Helena over various topics which usually ended in laughter.

The rude awakening of reality came in the form of Pete, running into the quiet library. The sound seemed to echo, and Myka found herself cringing.

"Hey Mykes. Your hour is up. Let's get going." He said loudly.

"Pete." She said before casting an apologetic smile in Helena's direction, which only seemed to draw his attention to her.

"Oh. You have made a friend. I'm Pete." He said in his best flirting voice. "Helena." she said her face clearly showing her amusement at Pete's antics.

"Let's go Mykes." He said moving to help her out of her chair, but when she didn't move he got concerned. "Are you alright? Is everything okay?" He asked slightly frantic.

"I'm fine, Pete." She snapped rather harshly. Pete stepped back slightly as though he'd be burned. Myk sighed. "I'm sorry." She said quietly, chancing a glance at Helena who was looking at her with concern and confusion.

Myka didn't want Pete's help, not in front of Helena. Helena who had made her forget everything in this last hour so much better than the books ever truly have been able to. She didn't want Helena to see how weak she was, how damaged and broken she really was. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'm really sorry, Pete. I didn't mean to snap."

"It's alright. No biggie." She hated that he would easily accept her apology no matter what she did. It made her so angry. Yet she put her book in her bag, handed the bag to Pete before allowing him to gently help her out of the chair.

Myka didn't look at Helena, yet she could feel her eyes watching her. She wanted to ask Helena to come every Wednesday but she refrained from doing so as she slowly made her way out of the library using Pete for support.

What Myka didn't know was that she had captured Helena's attention, so much so that Helena inquired about her to the spunky red headed girl who worked at the library whose name tag read Claudia. Claudia seemed all too happy to tell Helena that Myka was here every Wednesday for an hour at the same time.

Helena left the library excited for next Wednesday.

* * *

Myka found that she wasn't as excited for Wednesday as she used to be, she dreaded it now. Pete knew something was up, for all his antics that drove Myka insane she had to admit that he knew her very well. He didn't push for information, he just kept looking at Myka anxiously on their drive to the library. Myka couldn't decided if the anxious looks were worse then the constant questions.

When they pulled up to the library Pete helped Myka out of the car, into the library and into her favourite chair, in her favourite spot. He didn't hover this time. He left with a quick "see you in a hour", and Myka was left alone.

She felt small, and sad. She stared off with no intention of reading the book on her lap.

"Hello." said a familiar beautiful voice with a British accent. At first Myka thought maybe she imagined it. Until the voice spoke again, this time with a hint of concern. "Myka?"

Myka turned and looked, she found herself smiling. "Hi." she said quietly.

"Hello." said Helena again.

"What are you doing here?" Myka asked confused, it can't be a coincidence that Helena is here again, at the same time as last week. Myka blushed when she realized how rude her question was, but before she could open her mouth to apologize Helena was speaking.

"I have a confession to make." Helena said looking rather shyly at Myka. "I was very intrigued by you, so I asked around and a little birdie told me that you come to this very library every Wednesday at the same time."

Myka blushed, but her embarrassement quickly turned to panic. "Claudia." she whispered. "What else did she tell you?" Myka asked Helena rather harshly, she realized her mistake when she saw the shocked look on Helena's face before she quickly masked it.

"I'm sorry." Myka said as she rubbed her temples, trying to calm herself and relieve the never ending stress that was currently her life.

"It's quite alright, darling." Helena replied with a smile.

"It's not." Myka said loudly. "It's really not." she added in a small, and vulnerable whisper. "I should go." Myka attemped to get up out of the chair to make her exit, to keep from continuing being rude to Helena, who did not deserve it. She couldn't though, try as she might she could not lift her body out of the chair, she was too weak. She knew that she was, but in this moment she felt so unbelievablely helpless. She knew Helena was watching her. She settled back into the chair, knowing that there was no way she was moving without help and looked down at her hands in her lap as the tears began to prickle her eyes.

"If it helps, I can assure you that young Claudia told me nothing besides the fact that you are here every Wednesday." Helena told Myka hoping that maybe that would help the clearly upset young woman. She got a slight nod in return. Helena didn't know if she should leave, she knew she didn't want to, but it didn't matter what she wanted. Myka however couldn't speak right now, she knew that her voice would crack with emotion and she didn't want to this wonderful woman to see her as weak as she already is.

They sat for a while in an awkward silence. Myka silently crying, trying to get her emotions together with her head down so that Helena was unable to see her like this, and Helena who was torn between leaving and staying. Just as Helena made up her mind, and turned to leave Myka's small voice stopped her.

"Please stay." she said. Helena nodded and sat down in the chair across from Myka, she waited for the young woman to speak again. After a short while Myka lifted her head and looked at Helena, she look exhausted. "I'm sorry."

"It's quite alright, darling." Helena said with a reassuring smile. Myka smiled slighty, unfortunately her emotional outburst had taken the little energy she has from her, so the leaned her head to the side of the chair and closed her eyes. Helena watched her, she couldn't get over how breath taking this woman was.

"I think I might just call Pete." Myka said after a while, she slowly opened her eyes and lifted her head. Helena could see how physically and emotionally exhausted she was, but she couldn't help the look of disappointment that crossed her face before she could mask it. She knew Myka saw it too, however Helena nodded.

"How about we meet here next Wednesday?" Myka asked her, her voice was quiet and hesitant.

"I'd like that." Helena said as she smiled at Myka.

Myka pulled out her phone and called Pete. The conversation was very brief. Myka didn't say anything, just a quick "I'm coming" from Pete and that was all.

His loud foot steps came within the minute and an out of breath Pete came running towards Myka.

"I'm fine, Pete." she told him, as she rolled her eyes at his antics. She knew that he is worried, but sometimes he was ridiculous. "I'm just tired."

Pete didn't say anything, he could see that Myka wasn't in the mood. He grabbed the book off her lap and put it in her bag and swung it over his shoulder. He held out his hands for Myka to grab. "Pete." she said quietly. He masked his shock, and imediate worry, he knew what Myka wanted, but she never wanted this. He didn't say anything. He just put his arms under her legs and across her back and lifted her out of the chair. He knew he'd never get over how light she is now.

She rested her head of his chest and closed her eyes. At this moment, Myka didn't care who saw her like this. She was too exhausted to care. For the first time ever she allowed Pete to carry her out of the library.

Helena watched with concern.

* * *

Next Wednesday came. Helena had arrived at the library early in hopes of making the time until she sees Myka go faster, but when the time came and no Myka, Helena became very worried.

Helena waited, and waited. Until suddenly, young Claudia came over with a somber expression on her face.

"Pete just called." she said. Helena face fell. "Myka is in the hospital, she won't be able to make it today. He said she'll hopefully be back next Wednesday."

Helena nodded. "Thank you." Claudia gave her a sympathetic look before leaving. Helena just sat there until the library closed and she was forced to leave.

* * *

On the following Wednesday, Helena arrived half an hour early to the library. She hoped that Myka showed up today and that she was well and out of the hospital. She was pleasantly surprised to see Myka sitting in her usual chair, waiting for Helena.

"Hi." Myka said, with a small shy smile.

"Hi." Helena repeated back, with a small smile as she sat down in the chair across from Myka.

"Pete told me that he called Claudia and told her to let you know why I wasn't here last Wednesday." Helena nodded. "I'm sorry." Myka said.

"You have no reason to apologize, darling. The circumstances of why you weren't here were completely out of your control." Helena told her. They were both quiet for a long moment before Myka spoke again.

"I want to be friends, Helena." she said. "However, if we are to be friends I need to be completely honest with you. I'm afraid I haven't been so far." Myka looked down ashamed. Helena got up from her chair and knelt in front of Myka, she lifted her chin up so that Myka was looking into her eyes.

"I want to be friends too." Helena said with a smile, causing Myka to smile back. "I'm all ears." Myka took a deep breath. Helena didn't move back to her chair, instead she continued to kneel in front of Myka, her hands holding onto Myka's, for which the vulnerable woman was incredibly grateful for.

"I have cancer." Myka told her. "Wednesday is the day before my next chemo treatment and it's a few days after my last. It's when I have the most energy so it's when I get a little time to myself, when my health allows me. My counts were dangerously low last week which is why I was in the hospital instead of here."

"This." Myka said as she pulled on her straight brown hair."Is a wig. Normally I'd have a wild and untameable mane of curls, but instead underneath this, I'm completely bald."

"And this." Myka said as she pulled her shirt slightly to the side."Is what they call a port, it's for the chemo, it's how they pump it into my body."

"I come here to forget, to get lost for an hour in a book, to keep my mind of the chemo, the hair loss, the exhaustion. The library has been my escape, but that first day when I met you. You kept my mind of everything better then a book ever could, I laughed, I haven't truly laughed in months. When Pete came, and reality came with him I didn't want you to see me like this, I didn't want you to see me as weak, vulnerable, pathetic. I was so angry. I didn't want you to know because I didn't want you to feel sorry for me like everyone else. I just wanted someone I could feel normal with. I'm sorry." Myka said as the tears fell down her cheeks.


End file.
